More History and Theory

I've learned in this time that I spent too much much time on activities that in the end are not meaningless but simply aren't as important as your marriage.

I spent hours every day exercising. When she wanted to go someplace on a Saturday I would often get up late, tired, and have to go to workout first. Often times it actually just got too late to go and we didn't at all or had to cut the trip short.

Why did I feel that I had to do this? I can't pin it on anything in particular, instead there were probably many roots.

I have always been in athletics since I was a child. There were things like skiing and dirtbikes when I was as young as five. From the time I was roughly seven or eight I was in a some manner of sport whether I really liked it or not. I did not always like it at the time. I was sure that I did not like the feeling of being railed with a baseball but I played until in my teens. There were other sports that I liked but simply stopped playing at some point because I found that my personality didn't seem to me to fit in with most of those who played. Was that actually the case? I can specifically remember instances that I, even then felt were ingrained in the nature of the area I was from. Sports were big and important to everybody. I'm still in one of those places. At the same time I remembered that it was always parents who were coaching teams. They may not have realized it but most of the coaches actually showed what I noticed as favoritism. I am not a person who generally overestimates my skill and ability and never have been. I hide it well on the outside. I turned out to be what many would call a very athletic person. Other people got to play more than I did because of small town relationships.

I won't go into any more detail than that but things like this led me to slowly pull away from other sporting activities later on and take up new ones where I fit in better. These weren't the people that were generally considered "jocks." Sure we were athletes and some in very good physical condition but it's not usually a sport many concern themselves with. If they do they are asking why you do it.

Now I honestly went into the sport simply because I found after a trial competition of sorts that I was good at it. It just happened to feel like a safer environment for me. Was it really any different an environment? It helped that in this sport who wins on that day is best for the moment but there are many more. This was a high stress sport the whole time and I remained very good for a few years but I burned out. I simply couldn't deal with it anymore because it became all encompassing. I had to do it on holidays and in varying weather conditions. I liked it until I began to hate it.

I never lost the need for activity though and without it I feel like garbage. The problem is that now even with it I sort of feel like garbage. What did I learn from all of that? I was doing something that I still enjoyed and have always done. At the same time I was neglecting to realize where it was infringing on my relationship with my wife.

She would have never asked me to stop or to not do it because she is the same way. She knows how the same thing effects her. But in trying to let me have my freedom and not "nag" me about things she just kept it bottled up. Once in a while I would get glimpses of sadness but when I pressed I usually got the response that she didn't know. She did know though. I didn't put enough of the pieces together at that point to realize it.

I wasn't able to put all the pieces together because I'm simply so tense all of the time the stress is impressive. The stress may very well be excessive for circumstances but looking around at society I am beginning to see a lot of symptoms showing in others as well.

I had other bad habits as well and we'll talk about them later and no they weren't illegal or immoral just self destructive. That's for later. Right now I want to talk about others and things that cause stress. Do you get stressed if somebody pulls into the passing lane in front of you on the highway and then takes forty miles to actually get past? Do you get stressed if somebody takes a parking spot that you were quite obviously waiting for? When they cut you off in traffic? When they cut in line in front of you? When they don't wipe their sweat off gym equipment?

There are so many things that so many people do without ever once registering the possibility that they're being an asshole. You drive up behind them in the passing lane. They have clear room to move over and let you pass and as you get irritated as they've now had more than one chance to do this. They clearly do not care that they're holding back a line of 40 cars who want to go faster than them. They have appointed themselves the personal speed marshal of that highway. They will be thinking something such as why is this asshole tailgating me? While doing this they don't consider that they were barely paying any attention because they were texting, talking, or reading a phone for the past five miles. They just see that you're pissed off and closer than they would like and that's because you're a jerk!

You know, maybe I am a jerk. I look at most adults now in the same respect that I do children. The majority of people in American society are either shitbags, jaded (through learning and observation), or naive. The part that I find so difficult is rather multi-dimensional. Why should I as an adult who was taught to be respectful, be asked to tolerate the actions of somebody who is not. I believe as humans we should always be cautious but respectful of others when possible. Be honest and bring no ill will upon others in offense. At the same time I believe that when was is attacked by a hostile foe whether it be verbally or physically, it for the majority of humans, our natural instinct to fight back.

What causes this to be such a problem is what triggers this in what people and why. Some people are "triggered" by things that are not disrespectful at all by normal standards. Standards are being shifted though. Now we're supposed to accept being offended by more things. Now people want to be recognized as genders that scientifically do not exist or they want to implement a system of government that has proven doesn't work. People want to be paid 15 dollars an hour at minimum wage jobs and yet have no idea how this effects the economy.

Now we are a society of "that sounds nice so let's do it." We don't first think about whether it's possible or reasonable or even ethical half the time we just fucking dive in. "It is what I want and being me makes me the most important person in this room!" Those with the most money get to do it on government scale. Look at our current politicians. They don't want the people to truly get power over their own government back. They want to use it to make themselves wealthier and more untouchable. Nothing our politicians do is for the overall good of the people. It's for the overall good of whoever contributed the most to their campaign as well as themselves. Then they get their friends and supporters into other spots and they lie, cheat, and steal from us then lie some more.

Keeping the races divided at at each others throats. Creating a serious religious issue. Failing to fight crime which we label as racism whenever possible. We argue and fight among ourselves and vote for one of the two laughable "choices" they've given us then we're surprised when nothing changes. We keep voting to put those drivers in the passing lane and then wonder why we get fucked.

We have become too incompetent to make reasonable determinations on simple matters. Nobody wants to be the guy who punches the other guy who slammed into him on the sidewalk because they're the one who gets arrested. Yet the guy who slammed into you said "fuck you" when you said excuse me and walks off. He'll do it again because it's how he is. Had you beat the living hell out of him that guy would understand. Explaining what happened will not cause understanding. Explaining will cause him to be bored with you and go on being an asshole. Yet we have so much trouble as a society figuring out what is ACTUALLY discrimination and what can actually be proven in historical statistics. Nobody knows them or cares to hear them because they aren't nice so we'll ignore it. Then we'll continue to be surprised as things get worse.

You should always treat others with respect until they don't return that respect. You shouldn't have to be told these things as adults. The thing is that there are so many adults who clearly need to be told these things often because they just don't get it. Look around and really pay attention and you'll see society rotting. We as a world have gotten to the point where we completely ignore historical lessons and cultural tendencies and any other thing that might make somebody feel sad. Our allowing this to not only occur but to continue is going to be the end of us as a first world country. We're speeding up the process as fast as possible.

It doesn't matter where you go you will find many people who simply couldn't care less if you were struck by a car. They would simply take their phone out and take a video. The moral dilemma that I'm faced with at this point is simple. There's a really good chance that the person who just got hit by the car had head earphones in and was texting while they crossed simply expecting cars to watch for them. I could say "he/she probably learned a lesson and won't do it again" but I wouldn't believe that. Instead, I honestly tend to lean toward "he/she deserved that." The question is will they actually learn? Some people will but is it more than half or less than half? I guess far less than half will learn the proper lesson there. They'll probably learn how to litigate against the driver and win. Just like the morons who spill coffee on themselves.

We're so concerned with being morally just, fair, and all that horseshit, that we have pushed the boundaries of just and fair to the point where they're only fair to the undeserving beneficiaries because they scream the loudest and we listen.

What I'm talking about here is human nature. Human nature has not changed all of the sudden. Human nature is generally to get away with whatever they think they can reasonably get away with. Some will push the boundaries further and many will twist whatever they have to in order to get whatever it is that they want. We're seeing it all over the world and it's working flawlessly. We have had it so good for so long that "somebody else will take care of it for us." I've been guilty of that myself as well. I find gaining motivation to do a lot of things to be incredibly difficult.

I am stressed all of the time because I have studied so much that I can see happening as I type this. It's quite clear where the world is going and I am told that I need to just be happy. "Think about things that make you happy instead" they'll say. Is it really recommended that I put aside concern of that magnitude and simply hope I'm not right or that it's not happening?

I have found it impossible to do this and this contributed to strain on my marriage. Was I wrong?

I feel justified in not believing that but obviously I could be wrong.

I Can't Think of A Title

What exactly is one supposed to feel when you always feel uncertain about everything and the one time you are certain about something you are disappointed?

Most would say get back up and try again. I suppose that's an option but I honestly feel like at my age there's no point in that. The way I see it is basically I see nothing. I find that I have a lot of standards that are rarely met by the general public. Maybe my standards aren't realistic but I don't exactly just get to merrily change them because you like what you like.

I'll give a huge example of something that defines me and hinders me at the same time. Children are a topic that is always discussed in some way or another by couples. The majority of women out there want to have at least one child. By the time they are my age they have usually been married and had at least one child. That's fine because that's what they wanted... not what I want. 

I don't care for kids at all. I don't know what to do with them or what to say to them or even how to treat them and it's become worse as the years pass because people and specifically parents have gotten crazier. The truth is that I just do not want that responsibility. I do not want the title of father. Nor do I want a small human skittering around and bothering me 24/7.  I've always felt like I'm not even fully capable of taking care of myself. I say this to point out that I get frustrated easily and I'm impatient. Of course to some extent I can't help but wonder what my kid might turn out like. Despite that I cannot picture me enduring all of the things I know very well that parents must endure.

I have never in my life thought for a minute "I can't wait to be a dad someday." I have never for a moment thought that I might like to have children. Why is that? Is there something which has biologically been switched off in me causing a malfunction? Have I just learned based upon what I see, hear and otherwise determination that this isn't for me?

The problem for me lies in the fact that I don't only not want my own kids, I also don't want some other guys kids. How many women make it into their 30's without being married and or having children? I don't really know but I feel like "not many" would be an accurate guess. Now for the ones who haven't been eliminated who fits the other criteria? Keeps herself in good physical condition and enjoys doing it? Obviously I have to find her attractive but who the hell finds me attractive? I've never been capable of making that determination. I literally have to be struck in the face with it to notice.

The fact that I even met my ex-wife in the first place was really only facilitated by the fact that I had already known her from high school. Now the thing is that this was never a "she'll be safer to get and I won't be alone." I really was amazed to have found somebody that I was so similar to. The problem is finding somebody who is similar and doesn't hide it in fear. Sometimes that fear is so deep seeded that even when you think you fully trust somebody you might not be completely honest with them anyway. I can say that I personally tried and I think my wife tried as well but we both failed utterly.

We're all flawed but how does one even justify the expenditure of such energy? I know many people do. Many people just like to talk to anybody who will listen. Many people might not be as choosy as I am. I can't date a pretty girl who's an idiot. I also can't date a girl with through the roof intelligence who looks like a horror movie. 

Society is generally getting fatter and less intelligent by the day and I feel like I'm one of very few who even take notice. How does one even begin to bother. Lonely is shit but I've dated a lot of nightmares and one who seemed a miracle. All ended up failing. The way I see it I could spend years fishing and trying to feed that beast and endure the additional pain or I could not. The choice seems to be made for me when I look around and every sight, sound, and even the deafening silence remind me what I had and lost.

What just a few months ago seemed like a world full of both irritations and possibilities alike now seems like an insurmountable fortress. 

Most people don't really seem to be very compatible with me. We live in a world now that I don't understand. The general values of society have been twisted into a monster. I can see where we need to go and where we're going as a society and they aren't the same thing. I get the impression that most people don't even recognize that there's a problem.

Society as a whole is too stupid to see what they're allowing to happen to their own country. We don't care anymore about functionality common sense as long as nobody's feelings get hurt. We have black lives matter terrorists killing the police that protect us and we're blaming the police. We have Islam killing people all over the world and we refuse to admit it has anything to do with Islam. We have epidemic obesity but instead of the truth that being fat is bad we as a society just try to downgrade "fat" to "curvy" which is supposed to be an attractive, feminine thing.

Students on campuses need "safe spaces" where they may hide from real world issues and that's supposed to be considered acceptable. Why should we prepare students to feel as though you can just ignore things that make you uncomfortable? Then we'll expect that they graduate as functioning adults which they'll appear to be until the real world catches up and they can't handle it. 

We're seeing the effects of these sort of things in the downward spiral of society. 

When we fly on an airplane someplace we all pay a price that is based more or less on where we sit. We all pay something similar depending on when we book our tickets. Weight affects the plane and people and luggage are getting fatter so instead of charging fatter people who are directly adding to the costs they jack everybody's price to make it up and we all pay for their inability to stop eating. In addition I can only take with me HALF the weight in suitcases or I get charged the extra weight. What about the 300 pound woman with the McDonald's bag beside me? My two suitcases and I weight less than her alone.

We place so much emphasis on never making anybody feel bad about themselves that we see no problem with allowing the world to become fatter, dumber, and more entitled to anything and everything their massive, fatty-heart desires because "why the fuck not?" "We've been running this scam for decades (creating a passive. incapable and incompetent society). The question is not whether this was the actual plan or not. The question is what was this plan supposed to accomplish? If it was intended in the first place to create a useless society of worker drones who don't think but rely on a government they don't question then it's a success. If you actually feel that this was all truly for the betterment of society and helpful social planning then you're either ignorant or delusional.

Where is my safe space?

I don't see any safe spaces in this world. I don't see any safe spaces in this country. My home was once a safe space for me. Most who knew me wouldn't believe it but it was true. I used to look at my home as a sanctuary where I could try to forget the real world time and again. Now it is just a space to sit with my thoughts and try to make sense of the chaos. 

When I come home from somewhere I used to know that somebody would be there to greet me. Somebody who made me feel better about myself even if it wasn't lasting. Somebody who cared if my day had gone badly or had gone well. I used to hurry to get home for no reason other than to be there with her. I just felt safe when my wife was around. I felt like no matter what happened, everything would always be alright.

Now she's gone and doesn't seemingly doesn't want anything to do with me and I simply can't understand why or how the love of my life can simply write me off as not worth the trouble? I have so much trouble with this because I wasn't mean to her or violent or controlling or any of those things. I guess it makes me feel as if maybe I really am not worth the trouble? Other marriages stay together and sometimes come back stronger in spite of worse. Mine crashed and was thrown on the trash pile by my ex-wife before I ever knew what has happening. Can a person really be a lost cause? Can somebody really be so impossible to change that they aren't worth trying? I believe some people can. Could this mean that I'm one of those people and don't realize it? She loved me enough to marry me at one point but 4 years down the road I'm no longer good enough and not worth trying to deal with?

It's important to note that there is no other man. At least that's what I'm told. I actually believe this as well. I know her quite well. I believe that's not why she left. At least that would make some sort of sense to me. She just doesn't want to deal with me. The question is how did we go from the same place at the start to she doesn't want to be around me and I miss her like I did when we were dating? I want to hear her voice. I want to be able to hug her. I want to know she's there and cares about me. She tells me that in order to help herself she cannot be with me. Am I wrong to feel abandoned?

What chance have I got in the long run? The world isn't changing for the better. There isn't enough true positive in the world anymore to pull things back. I could once forget about these to some extent, because I too had my comfort zone.  Nobody sees what is happening to our world except those who are causing it and obviously they don't care. Nobody wants to think of what will happen later as long as the now is comfortable and without confrontation. 

I don't really want to think about any of these things. I don't enjoy being stressed out and worried about things that I cannot personally control. On the other hand I cannot just ignore what I do see. I notice causes and effect. I notice trending attitudes. I notice the things people do and I pay attention to why and I put the pieces together. 

We live in a selfish world where we tell everyone they should be happy and be themselves.The bad part is that most people do just that. They do what they think they want to do without ever considering or caring how it might effect other people. Of course they will insist that they are not like this and they'll likely believe it. If they don't come to that realization on their own they view it as an attack on their character to point it out. I've been guilty of this as well but the thing is that I realize it and actively try to fight it.

I see a car in my rear view mirror and they're obviously going faster than me I get out of the passing lane and let them by. If it's reasonable for me to hold a door for somebody I will. If I see a line of cars going past I won't pull out in front of them to drive 200 meters then stop the whole line while I turn again... I'll wait. I'm constantly considering how my actions might effect others only to see that my actions go completely unnoticed because the recipients of any courtesy are "entitled."

As I look outside now I can see that we're fully in the grip of Autumn. This used to be my favorite season. I would look forward to it all year. In fact, this became my anniversary month because we both loved it. I used to like going outside and smelling and seeing the leaves. Now it all just appears to me as a cold and ominous warning that winter is approaching again and to be honest I'm afraid. Not because winter brings anything other than cold but for me winter now is just an all encompassing reminder of my own loneliness and solitude. Winter will now remind me of what was once in my life and is gone.

Divorce, Depression, and Falling Worlds: My Struggle To Understand It All

It's 8:00 am and I sit here writing this first public journal of sorts. I've been quite focused on creating this blog all night long. I'll explain why that is as best I can. Ultimately what it comes down to is that I like to explain things or try to explain things because it helps me to understand them as well. Explaining something to somebody else or teaching them to understand something is a way of cementing learning in myself. I also have been told that I sometimes have an entertaining way of explaining things.

Why would anybody want to hear anything that I have to say?

Fair question and the only way to determine the worth of anything I write is to read it and think about it. This is who I happen to be and what I know, think, want, and my reality as I see it. Some will find it incredibly depressing and others might find it somehow inspiring. For me it is a method of therapy. I'm going to explore my thoughts here and you decide if they're interesting enough to read.

I plan to continue writing in this blog on a regular basis. I'll write about my life and my thoughts, I'll write about my depression and my happy moments. I'll write about whatever feels worth talking about. This is something that we don't often see from a male perspective and I'm curious and maybe a bit optimistic.

Here is the background and the base from where I'll try let you into my own mind to explore with me.

It's been 10 months now since my wife walked out and left me. I remember the pain back then and how terrifying as it was, I still thought there was hope at this point as well. I thought she might still change her mind and come back. I had never felt pain like this in my life. Not physical pain mind you but instead a constantly aching hole in my psyche.

My own depression blinded me to the symptoms of a failing marriage and additionally a depressed wife who never told me the full truth of how she felt through the last year or two of our marriage hurt more than anything. She simply closed down and didn't talk at all because she finds confrontation absolutely impossible. Was I that confrontational? I don't think that I was but I might have been. I think she was too sensitive as well and where we would discuss a subject of interest to me I get very into it and excited. I like to explain but my trying to inform her about something was usually met by being told that I'm lecturing. By the end it didn't matter what I tried to convince her of, it was all considered "bullying" on her part. No discussion, no possibilities, no concern at all for anything but herself.

I've actually never felt more betrayed in my life. We both swore to love and protect each other through better or for worse and when things got worse she went into full selfish mode. I asked to talk it over. I asked to work it out. I asked to seek help and she said no. She knew how best to fix it despite the fact that she couldn't even tell me why she felt our marriage needed to be over.

When the a major problem arose she left the house, got an apartment and start living on her own while trying to decide what to do about your relationship that you are hiding from. All this time does she expect grow fonder? She really thought that could possibly happen while she sat there talking herself into leaving permanently.

Through the loss of all of my grandparents as well as friends and acquaintances who have gone in an untimely manner I have always recovered. Sure I cried at the loss of every one but in the end I was fine. All of them hurt and all of them cause a scar but her leaving caused a new kind of pain. This was as is an actual part of me which is necessary for proper functioning of my brain had been torn away. I feel like my mind has been in hyperdrive since the minute she left. The topic of my thought tends to fail to stray far from my wayward bride. I say wayward bride because this loss was not death thank god. At the same time it almost feels the same to me. She's gone, she says she wants to be my friend and that she values talking to me but her actions show nothing of this.

I want nothing more in the world than to hope she will see that I can change too. I want her to see that I'm capable of fixing things but she doesn't care. I became no longer her husband and friend but an object that somehow was standing in the way of the happiness she wasn't able to find. There must be something out there that is better than this I imagine her thinking.

Now she seems to be getting along fine. She started helping out with coaching a sport and she is taking part in one herself and she goes to see friends now and then. These things make her happy and she sees that she's feeling better. What she doesn't see is that it was her who time and again failed to choose to do things things that made her happy while we were married. She just sat around and watched television and expected me to entertain her every waking moment at home. If I failed to do this it was my fault. She could have coached, she could have taken up any hobby she wanted but that's what she married me for apparently. The activity planner rather than the husband and then I got fired.

I used to regularly ask her where she wanted to go or where she wanted to eat or what she wanted to do and I got the one answer that was her answer for EVERYTHING. "I don't know" is something I've heard so many billions of times it makes my head spin. Clearly she did know or at least had a preference because I'm the type of guy who doesn't give a shit. If you want to go out tell me where and I'll take you. At the same time I am not a guy who likes going out. I am a solitary person so I don't sit and think of great places to "go out" to in my free time. I think about playing my guitar or drums, going to the gym and playing xbox. I enjoy researching things and reading. I enjoy learning everything that I possibly can.

It turns out that this wasn't good enough for her. I wasn't good enough for her. I feel like she just married me so she wouldn't be lonely and then when that didn't help she just walked away from it like dumping an unwanted puppy on the side of the road. In her eyes marriage wasn't a thing more than a promise to ride it out until she got bored.

Everybody is a good person in their own head even when the actions they take are shitty. She saw no problem with it. She hoped that in the end I would be alright but if not it wasn't her problem anymore in her eyes. Everything I tried to do to get her to talk to me and try to work on it was met with spite and venom. She called me a bully and said that my begging to see somebody or try something else was me trying to force something upon her. There became no such thing as discussion but only me trying to force her thoughts where I allegedly wanted them.

Obviously you may think this is only one side of the story. Of course it is. I know I don't see everything clearly all of the time. I misinterpret clues just the same as anybody. At the same time I was never violent in any way. I was never physically threatening or abusive in any way. I never put her down or called her names. I never tried to control anything that she did in any way.

I honestly tried to treat my wife exactly how I wanted to be treated myself. That is what my parents taught me. She was my partner. She was my equal in many ways. In many ways she was better than me. In many ways she was weaker than me and in others she was stronger. We all have our problems but I loved her with every part of my being. I would have given my life for her without hesitation. In fact, I still would. I feel like after how I have been treated I should not feel that way but I cannot help it. I will always love her.

My wife or soon to be ex-wife seems to be doing alright. I hope that she is doing well. I really never would want to see anything bad happen to her. Despite what I have gone through I do not hold her to blame any more than myself. I know she has gone through something similar to all of my feelings because we are very much alike. We both have major depression issues. She has known this for years. I have only very recently realized that I have them as well.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for a long time and I never realized how bad it would get at times.

When I first met my wife she was very much a female version of myself. Sarcastic with a dark sense of humor and quick witted. She didn't know what political correctness was and nothing was sacred. We laughed and joked and saw amusement in everything. We very quickly fell in love and for me she stole my heart and put it in her pocket. From the first date with her I knew she was "the one." I knew within minutes that there was nobody else in the world like her. I wish I hadn't been so correct.

This is significant for me because until I met her I was sure that there was no "the one." Finding somebody who filled this space within me was no easy task. I have not been a historically easy person to get along with at all times. It's difficult to explain but you'll eventually understand.

By the time my wife walked out of the house and basically ended our marriage after only four years, many things had changed but I noticed only a few of them before it all came crashing down.

This is the part the absolutely devastates me. I honestly feel like I saw these negative feelings escalating in my wife for a long time leading up to her leaving. I always tried to inquire as to what might be wrong but if lucky was met with the response of something very basic such as "I don't want to get a divorce." I would always sadly think that I don't want a divorce either but please tell me what to do for you to improve things. I asked this question out loud as well and got no answer. Only an "I don't know."

She couldn't give me that answer because we were both suffering from deep depression at the same time. Hers was causing strain on me and mine causing strain on her and it slowly tore our marriage apart. Here I think it's important that I take some significant blame for a part of this as well.

She tried to get me to go with her to see a "therapist" and I wasn't happy about that at all. I didn't yell or threaten but I showed obvious signs of disgust and didn't talk to her on the trip there. Once we got there things improved significantly but she only would ever remember the car ride over. She will still forcefully tell that story as if it was instead a story of me beating her black and blue or something. I know it wasn't right. It was downright childish and inexcusable of me but I wasn't really me. I say this knowing that it was me, it's my responsibility even if my mind isn't exactly 100% cooperative.

I would like to give a little background on this to help make it more understandable. To make a short story long, I have great difficulty in trusting people. I cannot tell you where this comes from. If I have some memory which is so bad that it might cause this then it's well suppressed because it doesn't make a shit-bit of sense to me. As far as I can tell I have always been very leary of  other people. I have never been a person to quickly trust anybody. The majority of society I tend to prefer to keep at a distance.

This is something I would specifically attribute to two things. I am a very introverted person. I always have been such. I do not want to be the center of attention. I do not want to stand out or for others to notice me for anything be it good or bad. If nobody knows I'm here I am perfectly alright with that. The question I tend to ask myself is "are you actually alright with that or has this sprung up as a defense mechanism to shield myself from the loneliness in life when you've you've lived for 35 years being unable to relate to other people?" I would love to be able to walk up to a random person and speak to them for no real reason and have any idea in my head as to what I might say. I will draw a complete blank. This frustrates me greatly and my own disappointment in myself shows in body language and facial expressions whether I realize it or not. Now I just look like a jerk when I would have loved to be friendly just because.

I feel like it really would make me happy if people wanted to be around me. I feel like I have never really had anybody who really, truly wanted to hear what I had to say. Sure at times people do. Other times people simply pretend to care when they don't care at all. My parents are great people and they have tried so very hard. I respect them more than I could ever tell them with words. I would also give my life for theirs just as readily as I know they would for me. The thing is that they're simply better people than I am. I'm talking about other people who aren't my family. I've had decades (literally) to get used to my family and I still felt I couldn't tell them things. They never gave me reason to. Sure I got my ass spanked when I was a kid but I haven't any question I deserved it. I also don't have any question that there wasn't another type of punishment that was going to work to deter me. I wasn't a little psycho who was lighting neighborhood dogs on fire but I was constantly getting into mischief. Not mischief like gang warfare you see now. Like shooting bottle rockets at others or throwing rotten meat from the dumpster behind the grocery store all through the neighbor's yard so all the stray dogs would congregate and piss that neighbor off.  That sort of nonsense. Nobody was intended to get hurt but it still wasn't acceptable. At the same time, kids will be kids. As long as we learn our lessons from our failures then we continue to move forward. My parents taught me those lessons as best it was possible for me to be taught. They did an amazing job in my mind and they deserve more than a meddle for not throwing me out on my ass in my crabby and moody teens. Now I'm straying too far from the topic so allow me to step back.

There have been periods in my life where circumstances have thrown me in with groups of others and I've generally managed to get along quite well. From an outside perspective it would seem like there have been cases where I've pretty quickly made friends with another husband or something after a short time speaking. To the person I was speaking to it may seem that way as well. Inside my head I often wonder. Did he or she really like me? Were they really interested in what I had to say or were they just being polite? Even when others seem to be able to tell and when I can read in most cases what another human happens to be thinking about somebody or something that isn't myself. I will know that "Mary" doesn't like "Jim." I can tell that "Jim" doesn't realize how "Mary" actually feels about him. Jim thinks Mary is beautiful and attractive and that she loves his company. Mary thinks Jim is a moron and tries to avoid him. Maybe Jim is a moron. Maybe Mary should just tell Jim that she doesn't want to be his friend and they both go on their way.

We as a society put so much emphasis on being nice and being polite to others that we have pushed it to the point where you're more or less forced to like somebody that there's no good reason for you to like. Humans are very different from one to the next. We have likes and dislikes. Some are justified and some are complete wank but that shouldn't matter. In order to be "free" we have to be allowed to be ourselves. Obviously we can't be allowed to be ourselves if ourselves happen to be a serial killer or something but that's not what I mean. We are constantly told what to think. It doesn't matter what the topic actually is there are two sides to it who both believe they're right and want the other to "realize it."

Those two "figurative" sides are depicted very will within the frame of our current Presidential Debacle.  It doesn't matter if you're full blown Republican or militant Democrat. If you believe in any one set of beliefs that you actually think the choice being given to the American people by THEIR Government which isn't theirs anymore. It's like going into a grocery store tomorrow and no longer being able to buy the things you want as you want them. Instead of shelves stocked full of categorized edible items there are just rows of boxes. All of the boxes are the same size. Instead of a weeks worth of groceries you intended to get, these boxes contain one month worth. The boxes have labels but we've heard this happened other stores and what the labels say is not what is in the box as often as not. Now a man walks up who is smartly dressed and asks if he can help you. You politely ask him what is going on and he replies that this is for convenience purposes. There were simply too many people milling about so this helps them get in and out faster. It certainly does but how do I know I'm getting what I want in my box? The man tells you that the label tells you what is in the box, there are two or three "different" types of boxes to choose from. What if I don't like some of the items in the box? Can I substitute items that I do want in place of the ones I don't? No you cannot. Can I speak with the manager? I am the manager he says. Then he notices you still don't seem to be content with this answer but aren't sure what to say. Uninterested in spending any more time in guiding you to the realization that he's about to bring you to. Sir (or Ma'am) if you prefer to not buy groceries here anymore you may go elsewhere he tells you while no longer looking nearly as friendly as he first did. His facial expression implies that he is aware and is hinting to you that you really have no other option. If this happened as I just described it's easy to notice. This would be a very acute and drastic change in a short amount of time. It would be very hard not to notice that. Now look at this same sort of change from grocery store in America in 2016 to the store that I described to you with three choices and three choices only. If you're roughly average with American history then you will know what I mean when I say compare the original and new United States to where we are today with our current government. Once the government was by the people, of the people, and for the people. Now the government is by the people because we keep allowing it to happen. The government is over the people and above the people and beyond the people. They tell us that they're intent on something and then they do whatever they want for their purposes in any manner they can (legal or illegal) and just hope they can get away with it. If we pay attention to history we see it time and time again. Our government that is supposed to represent us are simply elite con-men and con-women who are making a living for themselves and cementing it for their families on the backs of the American people. They're doing it absolutely without regard to the potential outcome.

Where the hell is he going with this you might be wondering. That's just an example on a slightly larger scale. I could go bigger with that if you like or I could go smaller. For the sake of time I'll go smaller and say now look. How about on a city level or a town level or even on a corporate level. There is always a hierarchy made up of people with many common characteristics not unlike those of the proverbial used car salesman. These people tend to wiggle their way into power and influence as many people as they can in any way they can perceive accomplishing that goal.

You can't build on what is allegedly your own property without asking a committee of people who you may not know and don't know you. Really it is not their business whatsoever but they have managed to become the ones who decide whether you will or will not do something so simple as erect a storage shed or a garage on property you "own." Parents get to teach their kids whatever they want and whenever they're willing and able. Teachers who are forced to follow a very specific, state enforced curriculum decided again by... who?

Where I am going with this is that I have learned as a result of being unable to communicate with the world that the rest of humanity is further developing and enhancing some incredibly frightening social habits and ideals that are both culturally as well as potentially physically fatal. There are dozens of things here that I will certainly write about in the future but not here. What I am saying in simple terms is that I believe that I started out being naturally a cautious person. I didn't really trust anybody and I never knew why. My father instilled in me that lying was not acceptable. It didn't matter what reason you were lying it was still bad. My family has always been very honest and if somebody was thinking it they were going to say it. It's refreshing feel like once in a while you can speak with somebody who will tell you the truth about anything. What I have learned is that there are so very few people who are capable of being that type of person.

The world makes it impossible for anybody to really and truly just be who they are. It's true that we can't simply just let everybody do whatever they want or terrible things will quickly spoil the fun. People are different and unpredictable and sometimes very good and sometimes very bad. I love the very good people. I also have an intense sense of justice. I believe that you can generally classify all people into three categories. These categories are from a book a read a couple years back. The book was written by a man named Lt. Col Dave Grossman. Anyhow, the point that I am making is this. I'm not saying that everything is just this simple exactly but bare with me. There are Sheep, Wolves, and Sheep Dogs. Sheep are peaceful, passive, and an easy lunch for hungry wolves. Wolves exist just like every other creature. The sheep cannot do anything about the wolves. They can't chase the wolves away or fight against them in any meaningful way. The sheep simply are not capable of protecting themselves. They stay together and if danger comes the sheep run and take a loss or two from their numbers. The sheep will multiply and the wolves will multiply. Some of both groups will die and the constant will be that the wolves die of age, accident or other and many sheep die by wolves. In comes the sheep dog. Generally these are types who flock toward military careers or law enforcement, fire fighters or paramedic careers. What the INTENT of most of these people who go into these sorts of things is to help their fellow man. They intend fully to be a positive influence on society. Some people go into these careers to exploit it. They do things that those who they hold power over and they should be responsible to would not approve of. They do this without conscience or concern for who it may effect or how as long as they gain. These people are wolves and they're everywhere. The problem is that these wolves aren't recognizable unless their costume happens to be a bit "off." You may never find out until you get bitten by one. Sheep Dogs may be specifically trained to do various activities in the name of defending the sheep but as their name says that is what they do. In the case of the actual dog and in the case of people, I tend to believe that it's largely natural for many people. The wolves don't always want to kill you they only want to take advantage in some cases. They want something that they will happily take from you and if you don't stop them who will?

We can look on a world level or by country or by state or by town but there will be wolves manipulating and sheepdogs trying to convince the sheep not to listen. The wolves are very smooth talkers and some things in the story are off but the sheep want to give him the benefit of the doubt because the idea sounds wonderful. The problem is that in modern society the sheep are running the show. Once the sheepdogs were given the power to necessary to do what they were put here for. They were allowed to protect the sheep by the means the dog saw fit. Now instead of the dog attacking the wolves and sometimes having to kill a wolf or die trying, the sheep insist at gun-point that there is no danger from the wolves so we need not worry. When the dogs don't listen they are quickly villified. In the modern world the sheep dogs are viewed as a problem because the sheep refuse to admit that the wolf who was biting Larry (which is what I imagine this sheep to be named) was actually not just being playful despite all the blood. The wolf wasn't going to be talked off of Larry. The loud and angry barks of the sheepdog will not likely deter the wolf of obtaining a meal by itself. The wolf knows what it needs and sees how to get it and if this dog wants to try to get in the way I'm willing to fight and see how it goes. If the dog sits back the sheep die but if the dog steps forward he is blamed for everything.

What does all this really have to do with anything?

This is why I don't trust people. I want to trust people very badly. I want to have people that I know would be there for me and not just because they're family. At the same time people scare me. Not as in I'm afraid to go outside for fear of being attacked... though that's not exactly an illegitimate fear these days. I'm more than capable of protecting myself from physical violence. What very few are capable of protecting themselves (alone) against the things that people do to each other like clockwork.

We're now expected to tolerate everybody and everything BECAUSE of something. The world has gotten to the point where we are like Germany leading up to Nazi takeover. Some people can't be honest. Some people can't quite remember enough to give the whole truth. Some people are actively hiding something. Everybody can use somebody else for anything they want without any deterrent if the "buyer is willing." I see them doing it all over the place and I take it all in quietly. I can name dozens of people who basically just expect that not only will you do but you cannot wait to do whatever it might happen to be that they need. They already know what is needed and no input is required. If you give input it will be ignored or met with scorn. When you do not add input for this reason they will turn on you and want to know why you didn't catch their mistake? Most of them will never realize or never admit that they did it because they're just generally shitty people. They have a plan and you're either going to be useful in their achieving it or it will anger them so much they will ensure that you pay for it somehow. You may never know they're doing it but while smiling in person they are doing everything they can think of to cause you difficult and in some cases more than that. They are constantly thinking about everything and they find this hard to put out of their minds. These are very driven people and finding ways to get higher on the business or social ladder is the primary purpose of these wolves.

This happens in homes and it happens in office environments and it's a human issue. How the hell is it possible who for somebody who views the world this way to ever really be happy? You'll recall I said I read a lot and I meant that. I know a little something about a large number of things. I don't know everything and I never will, I know that. The meaning of life is not hard. We as humans are given a finite amount of time to learn as much as we can about everything that is possible. We aren't told this in an owners manual. This gets difficult so I'll try not to screw it up.

There is in my opinion not much that is more important than my simple survival and continued existence. I value that more than almost all things. Most people do who are allowed to form their own feelings on the matter. Obviously we can see from happenings around the world that free will can be overridden by any number of methods.

Students have been taught what people who often deem themselves to be the worthy, deciders of what exactly should be taught to children in schools. The bad part about that is that those who seek most vehemently these positions of influence often turn out to have done so in sometimes purposeful and sometimes subconscious attempts to find grandiose methods for helping to instill their own personal values in others who may not be readily agreeable. Some of them go into teaching and end up as professors. Some of them throw respectable morals and ideals into their teachings and some will push less than ethical to completely despicable ideals upon impressionable and trusting minds.

I am a continuous history student. My passion for knowing all things historical leads to a lust for knowledge that is nearly impossible for me to quench.

In my constant need to know more about what is happening now and what has happened in the past I have also over the years developed a habit of watching human actions, events, consequences, public reaction, etc. I don't tend to stop there though. I tend to follow how trending attitudes set the Zeitgeist in various places worldwide. I watch and study the outcomes. Many people will happily exclaim "if you don't know history you're doomed to repeat it" but it never concerns them or even occurs to them that their knowledge of history might have been given to them biased to begin with. It never concerns them that human factors caused these occurrences. Some might be good and some might be bad but the more we find out from the most diverse sources, the more that the lens of overall understanding becomes more clear. Is it ever possible for a human to gain full understanding of what we would currently consider to be infinite unknown possibilities? I tend to feel like it would be quite difficult and random if that were possible.

I tend to refer to this as my Jesus coming back theory. There's belief that he once returned and will return to mankind again at some point. That's great if you believe he will and if you believe he won't it doesn't matter to me. I'm concerned about why you believe that. If you can't give me a reason that I consider logical for why you believe that I have trouble trusting you. Maybe he will come back. Some people would believe him and some people wouldn't. Some who were waiting for his return will still not believe him. Some who weren't waiting will join at his side. Or he'll largely be assumed to be a homeless "lunatic." It might not be Jesus at all but an actual homeless lunatic. Honestly how the fuck are we supposed to know and trust anything when humans are involved?

No matter how wrong they are many will never know it. Most won't say anything to the first because they don't like controversy and the first will go on doing it until the inevitable problem. We don't like to be wrong as humans. No matter how much ANYBODY insists that they don't really care about the outcome of a debate or they don't care what the issues are they are lying and may not even realize it. In a lot of cases they care so much that they try to avoid seeing it. They avoid thinking about it and they try to convince themselves there aren't any wolves. Everybody would care if they actually know what the issue is. We as humans can't be given a question and not attempt to solve it. The problem is that we have allowed the restaurant to begin picking us and you and I getting stuck with whatever meal they decide is best for us. How does one not care about such things? Those who say "I don't get into politics" always interest me because I want to ask them if they are into people? Want to find out exactly who a person is pretty quickly? Talk politics with them for a bit. If you actually pay attention not just to the words but the ideas they have then they reveal their own personality. They also do that to a great deal by simply saying "I don't follow politics."

So you're telling me that it doesn't concern you that you might be voting for somebody who has all sorts of plans as to how we should all live and yet you don't think knowing those plans might be important? It's worse if you're telling me that you are fine with letting others decide who is going to tell us all how to live and aren't concerned how that may turn out? Maybe you do care but don't think you make a difference? What about all of those others who think the same thing. If they stood for what was right then things would get fixed. I see the world as full of problematic people, good people, people who actually don't care because they don't understand, and people who say they don't care because they're too lazy to understand.

In the end I think it comes down to the fact that I'm so regularly disappointed by so many people both directly and indirectly that once in a while I hit the anger stage of grieving for mankind. I would just love to scream at people from time to time but I know that as often as not they would reply with just as much fervor no matter how many people told them they were wrong. You can't teach some people and others don't want to learn. Now I'm sitting here watching the social rot take hold as Europe and the United States spiral downhill because of failed social experimentation that they still think is working. All of these things and people tell me that I should think about things that I enjoy and make me happy.

I have no control over the matter. I could be completely wrong and it's a terrible thing to say. Honestly though my first thought is "are you an idiot?" I cannot just put these things out of my mind because I see the symptoms in the people causing the issues that nobody wants to face. I've lost hope in mankind pulling itself out of the gutter before it's too late.

I have for my entire life sat back and watched the world from a distance. Sometimes longing to be an accepted part of that world I saw and the lives I watched going on around me. Other times I was happy to be out of the way and allegedly unnoticed. No matter which it happened to be it was isolation none the less.  My reason for isolation started out as a prison that I was confined to inside my own head. My isolation still is a prison that I am confined to inside my own head. The problem is that it has been fed by years of vigilant watching and trying to learn from the sidelines how to be part of this. I can never quite remain sure that I do in fact want to be part of it. I've lost confidence that the world contains more good than bad.

Now I had little confidence in the world before I was married and while I was married and not surprisingly (in my opinion) my confidence in mankind continues to drop steadily. That doesn't help depression. It's also there and I can see it so how am I expected to just ignore it?

During my marriage I became so focused on so many things that I lost sight of a great number of things as well. I went the entire marriage believing with all my heart that my wife was actually 100% honest with me. I trusted her completely in all manners. I believed if she had a problem she would tell me, if she had an issue she would discuss it. She did this when we first met. At some point occasional lies or half-truths took the place of the real feelings and then some more and some more. I helped cause her to do this with my own depression and me being unhappy made her more unhappy. Eventually it became so pervasive that I believe she largely considered me to be to blame for her unhappiness.

In the end she would hear me but never listen. She would scream at me and tell me I was yelling when I was calm. Everything that I did was wrong and everything bad seemed to be my fault. Then on top of this I know she is seeing a therapist and I have no idea how that's going. I basically thought it had mainly to do with her depression. We've established that I have trouble trusting people. I could see my wife changing and she wouldn't tell me why. I could see that things were getting worse but she wouldn't tell me why.

Was I really so "scary" or intimidating when I'm simply stressed out or sad? I'm a fairly muscular person but I would never present a physical threat to anybody who wasn't doing the same first. What reaction did she think I would have if she told me that things were getting worse and we needed to see a marriage counselor? When faced with "we have to do this because... I am quite logical and I would have gone.

Instead I was left alone with only my guesses as to what exactly had happened. She refused to talk to me and emails were short. I had only myself to work with to figure out how I lost somebody that I still love with all my heart.

Our marriage was never what most people would consider to be "bad." We were never the type of couple who yelled and had knock-down, drag-out fights. I have never touched her in anger and the same can be said for her. Nothing could make me angry enough to want to see harm come to her.

In many ways the failure of our marriage was just a very sad and in my case somewhat soul-crushing failure at the hands of circumstance. Two people who are terribly flawed and looking for comfort finally find each other and the stars align. Then as smoothly as it all slid into place and revealed a peek at happiness in slid back out of place. Two flawed people who are perfect for each other are driven apart by their inability to conquer their own internal struggles.

Sitting here writing this right now after 10 months has me broken down in tears for the past half-hour yet again. Most people who saw me would immediately think "tough guy." That's another story I'll write about later. I am a pretty tough guy and I can deal with a lot before I crack but I'm also human. I still have nearly crippling fits of almost hopeless despair. I've never thought that I wanted to hurt myself or anybody else but I often find myself wondering what is the point? Why is it that everybody considers to be such an assault on society for another to not view life as they do?

For some people life is just a lot of hard work. Is it so hard for others to consider that I might not have a specific purpose? Is it not possible that we individuals are just another insignificant item in a world full of items? I don't necessarily believe this but I don't write if off as impossible either. It's just an equal possibility to the others.

I actually wonder why other people are so sure there's a purpose to our individual lives or that each life is something sacred and wonderful that must be preserved? Maybe it is but realistically speaking there are many precious lives that we would have been historically better off without.

Sure there are plenty of times life is good and plenty of times life is bad. We always have control over some things and no control over others. At any time we could be struck by incredibly good fortune or crushing loss and we all have to deal with it... except people who choose not to.

Before you run to call somebody I am not saying I don't want to be here. I do want to be here. I don't need to know why I'm here nor do I need a great and noble purpose. I've seen good in life and I want to see more because I sure as hell don't know what comes after this. With my luck... it's probably just as unpleasant overall.

If you just stop and look around they say there is so much beauty to be found. I often do find myself noticing pretty scenery or something that I visually take some pleasure in now and then. I love music and listen to it and analyze it and even play some of my own. I love animals. I have cats who are not "pets" they are my friends. Obviously I know they are not human but they are intelligent creatures who are aware and capable beyond what most people will ever realize. If it came to feeding myself or my cats they would get fed first. I used to love a lot of things but now it's hard to find those things.

The thing is that for many this seems like occurrences like this provide some enrichment to their lives. Somehow a nice walk in the forest after a long day of work makes them feel energized or enlightened or simply as if "all is well." For other people it might be going out to the pub on a Friday or Saturday and for some people more nights than that. These people might insist that this also somehow enriches their lives. The thing that I can't help but wonder is are they really happy or do they just think they are? Are they happy despite the types of things I talked about or are they happy because they don't know?

I don't believe ignorance should ever be justified. Just because you personally do not know something does not excuse it. The problem with the world now is we excuse everything. Everybody is special and nothing is bad! Everything has a simple solution so go with it or be publicly ostracized!

Would I trade the knowledge I have gained for peace of mind and happiness? I believe the knowledge I have gained is for a purpose. It may be a lesser good or even a greater good. I just know that I wouldn't choose ignorance over the truth ever.

I really do not know if I believe that these things really enrich some people's lives or not. Maybe these people do feel like their existence is somehow improved by such experiences. I tend to lean toward that my opinion is that most people tell themselves these things to numb the pain of tedium. "Oh that's pretty, I feel so much better" when they really don't. Am I onto some sort of major theory here that might have to do with humans trying to program ourselves to be happy? Am I simply wired wrong and I don't understand feelings the same way that others do.

I don't think I am wired wrong at all. I think it's human nature to want to be happy and life just isn't a happy thing overall. Life is bitter and uncaring, life is the mere opportunity to exist. We as humans have better capability to manipulate life than other creatures which allows most humans the luxury of elevating our own lives above the existence level to something additional. What specifically happens is dependent on that individual. Sadly we often mistake our capabilities for invulnerability.

Are we really somehow special in this universe?

Our lives divinely blessed?

I tend to lean toward thinking this is not the case.

Much of this is currently here nor there at the moment so I'll progress forward.


One of our biggest driving factors as humans is maintaining our existence. The problem lies in the fact that we as humans also have a number of other quirks that make ourselves more difficult to deal with. One of these quirks is that we all think about the same sorts of things in life because we're all basically similar.

I don't believe that everybody is capable of the same things though. We're not all equal by the definition of the word. One of us may understand physics while another understands how to tear apart an engine and put it back together working. One of us might be able to run a world record time while another trips over themselves walking. We all have very different skills and capabilities. To put it simply there are some of humans who have great potential and reach it while there are others who have it but never use it. There are also people who manage to succeed despite not stacking high on the intelligence scale and vice-versa.

In a modern world most of us are actually forced to place the act of obtaining currency at the top of our list of things that we need to exist. With currency one's existence becomes physically easier and without it the opposite occurs. A physically difficult existence will generally kill a human faster than a mentally difficult one.

I don't believe that humans are a creature that evolved to suit the modern lifestyle of being constantly busy, most of people in this country work fairly long hours. Many people envision a family and working long hours while trying to live a fulfilling life.

What is a fulfilling life for you?

For me to be completely fulfilled in life I can promise you that I wouldn't sit in a office behind a computer on set hours every day while stressing about my family, paying bills, all the other humans around you, fitting in hobbies you enjoy, fitting in family time, etc. etc.

I've been depressed for a very long time and quite deeply depressed as of late, to the point where I become no longer even myself. I began to warp my own vision of the world in order to protect myself from the stresses that it caused. I did this but I also protected myself from ever realizing the real reasons I was so depressed.

When humans don't understand something they come up with ideas in their head as to what is the cause based upon what they know. Some of them know a great deal before even trying. Others are content with the first plausible explanation that pops up. Again this I feel is human nature and something hard to change about an individual because of its depth. We are as individuals, only capable of obtaining, understanding, and employing information or skills to a certain point. If you take a number of people and begin instructing them on an increasingly more difficult series of mental and physical challenges we will be losing candidates all along the way. From the ones lost on the more difficult mental challenges they may continue to excel in the physical or even fail at both. These results can obviously go in any number of possible combinations. Can we ever really have a way to find what our maximum individual capability is? No two people are exactly alike. This isn't necessarily a good thing either.

If we don't understand and can't explain things they tend to bother or even frighten us. If we want to be happy we need to remedy that. I think more people than not trick themselves into believing they've found happiness without even realizing it and all in attempt to avoid disappointment. One might venture to say that this can be seen and is exacerbating a rapid decline in social niceties.

Myself I cannot help but wonder what the hell actually constitutes happiness? Maybe I am happy or was happy at some point but I don't feel like I'm happy. I look around at the world and I can't be happy with what I see. When I feel happy am I actually or have I simply made a determination that Mood A (in myself) logically sounds to me to be roughly equivalent of what the average populous (per my own thinking and based upon societal Zeitgeist) might be feeling when they claim that they are Happy, or Ecstatic, or even things like Annoyed or Enraged. It seems like a stupid possibility and yet possible none the less.

These are things that I've always felt that I had a pretty good handle on. I'm not the type of person to get into fights. I'm not the type of person who honestly likes to be in confrontations. I hate it actually. My wife never understood that because I didn't show that. It's almost like in a way I was trying to be somebody I wasn't while having nobody in particular in mind to be. Whoever it was it wasn't me but at the same time I failed to notice that I wasn't myself.

Without going into great detail on that at this particular moment I feel that it's more productive first to break that down further. The point I am likely failing to make is that I am not a spontaneous, confrontational, Type A personality that I have somehow fooled myself into acting the part of.

I believe this was largely related to my work. I found it soul-crushingly unrewarding, uninteresting, and mentally exhaustive. I have done nothing but work with people for years now. Every day it was different people. All these people who It caused me to hate driving anywhere for any reason and at all times.

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Though I tend to write it like it's a book we can all see what it actually is. I'm interested in your thoughts and if you're interested in mine remember the link because I'll be writing more very soon