I Can't Think of A Title

What exactly is one supposed to feel when you always feel uncertain about everything and the one time you are certain about something you are disappointed?

Most would say get back up and try again. I suppose that's an option but I honestly feel like at my age there's no point in that. The way I see it is basically I see nothing. I find that I have a lot of standards that are rarely met by the general public. Maybe my standards aren't realistic but I don't exactly just get to merrily change them because you like what you like.

I'll give a huge example of something that defines me and hinders me at the same time. Children are a topic that is always discussed in some way or another by couples. The majority of women out there want to have at least one child. By the time they are my age they have usually been married and had at least one child. That's fine because that's what they wanted... not what I want. 

I don't care for kids at all. I don't know what to do with them or what to say to them or even how to treat them and it's become worse as the years pass because people and specifically parents have gotten crazier. The truth is that I just do not want that responsibility. I do not want the title of father. Nor do I want a small human skittering around and bothering me 24/7.  I've always felt like I'm not even fully capable of taking care of myself. I say this to point out that I get frustrated easily and I'm impatient. Of course to some extent I can't help but wonder what my kid might turn out like. Despite that I cannot picture me enduring all of the things I know very well that parents must endure.

I have never in my life thought for a minute "I can't wait to be a dad someday." I have never for a moment thought that I might like to have children. Why is that? Is there something which has biologically been switched off in me causing a malfunction? Have I just learned based upon what I see, hear and otherwise determination that this isn't for me?

The problem for me lies in the fact that I don't only not want my own kids, I also don't want some other guys kids. How many women make it into their 30's without being married and or having children? I don't really know but I feel like "not many" would be an accurate guess. Now for the ones who haven't been eliminated who fits the other criteria? Keeps herself in good physical condition and enjoys doing it? Obviously I have to find her attractive but who the hell finds me attractive? I've never been capable of making that determination. I literally have to be struck in the face with it to notice.

The fact that I even met my ex-wife in the first place was really only facilitated by the fact that I had already known her from high school. Now the thing is that this was never a "she'll be safer to get and I won't be alone." I really was amazed to have found somebody that I was so similar to. The problem is finding somebody who is similar and doesn't hide it in fear. Sometimes that fear is so deep seeded that even when you think you fully trust somebody you might not be completely honest with them anyway. I can say that I personally tried and I think my wife tried as well but we both failed utterly.

We're all flawed but how does one even justify the expenditure of such energy? I know many people do. Many people just like to talk to anybody who will listen. Many people might not be as choosy as I am. I can't date a pretty girl who's an idiot. I also can't date a girl with through the roof intelligence who looks like a horror movie. 

Society is generally getting fatter and less intelligent by the day and I feel like I'm one of very few who even take notice. How does one even begin to bother. Lonely is shit but I've dated a lot of nightmares and one who seemed a miracle. All ended up failing. The way I see it I could spend years fishing and trying to feed that beast and endure the additional pain or I could not. The choice seems to be made for me when I look around and every sight, sound, and even the deafening silence remind me what I had and lost.

What just a few months ago seemed like a world full of both irritations and possibilities alike now seems like an insurmountable fortress. 

Most people don't really seem to be very compatible with me. We live in a world now that I don't understand. The general values of society have been twisted into a monster. I can see where we need to go and where we're going as a society and they aren't the same thing. I get the impression that most people don't even recognize that there's a problem.

Society as a whole is too stupid to see what they're allowing to happen to their own country. We don't care anymore about functionality common sense as long as nobody's feelings get hurt. We have black lives matter terrorists killing the police that protect us and we're blaming the police. We have Islam killing people all over the world and we refuse to admit it has anything to do with Islam. We have epidemic obesity but instead of the truth that being fat is bad we as a society just try to downgrade "fat" to "curvy" which is supposed to be an attractive, feminine thing.

Students on campuses need "safe spaces" where they may hide from real world issues and that's supposed to be considered acceptable. Why should we prepare students to feel as though you can just ignore things that make you uncomfortable? Then we'll expect that they graduate as functioning adults which they'll appear to be until the real world catches up and they can't handle it. 

We're seeing the effects of these sort of things in the downward spiral of society. 

When we fly on an airplane someplace we all pay a price that is based more or less on where we sit. We all pay something similar depending on when we book our tickets. Weight affects the plane and people and luggage are getting fatter so instead of charging fatter people who are directly adding to the costs they jack everybody's price to make it up and we all pay for their inability to stop eating. In addition I can only take with me HALF the weight in suitcases or I get charged the extra weight. What about the 300 pound woman with the McDonald's bag beside me? My two suitcases and I weight less than her alone.

We place so much emphasis on never making anybody feel bad about themselves that we see no problem with allowing the world to become fatter, dumber, and more entitled to anything and everything their massive, fatty-heart desires because "why the fuck not?" "We've been running this scam for decades (creating a passive. incapable and incompetent society). The question is not whether this was the actual plan or not. The question is what was this plan supposed to accomplish? If it was intended in the first place to create a useless society of worker drones who don't think but rely on a government they don't question then it's a success. If you actually feel that this was all truly for the betterment of society and helpful social planning then you're either ignorant or delusional.

Where is my safe space?

I don't see any safe spaces in this world. I don't see any safe spaces in this country. My home was once a safe space for me. Most who knew me wouldn't believe it but it was true. I used to look at my home as a sanctuary where I could try to forget the real world time and again. Now it is just a space to sit with my thoughts and try to make sense of the chaos. 

When I come home from somewhere I used to know that somebody would be there to greet me. Somebody who made me feel better about myself even if it wasn't lasting. Somebody who cared if my day had gone badly or had gone well. I used to hurry to get home for no reason other than to be there with her. I just felt safe when my wife was around. I felt like no matter what happened, everything would always be alright.

Now she's gone and doesn't seemingly doesn't want anything to do with me and I simply can't understand why or how the love of my life can simply write me off as not worth the trouble? I have so much trouble with this because I wasn't mean to her or violent or controlling or any of those things. I guess it makes me feel as if maybe I really am not worth the trouble? Other marriages stay together and sometimes come back stronger in spite of worse. Mine crashed and was thrown on the trash pile by my ex-wife before I ever knew what has happening. Can a person really be a lost cause? Can somebody really be so impossible to change that they aren't worth trying? I believe some people can. Could this mean that I'm one of those people and don't realize it? She loved me enough to marry me at one point but 4 years down the road I'm no longer good enough and not worth trying to deal with?

It's important to note that there is no other man. At least that's what I'm told. I actually believe this as well. I know her quite well. I believe that's not why she left. At least that would make some sort of sense to me. She just doesn't want to deal with me. The question is how did we go from the same place at the start to she doesn't want to be around me and I miss her like I did when we were dating? I want to hear her voice. I want to be able to hug her. I want to know she's there and cares about me. She tells me that in order to help herself she cannot be with me. Am I wrong to feel abandoned?

What chance have I got in the long run? The world isn't changing for the better. There isn't enough true positive in the world anymore to pull things back. I could once forget about these to some extent, because I too had my comfort zone.  Nobody sees what is happening to our world except those who are causing it and obviously they don't care. Nobody wants to think of what will happen later as long as the now is comfortable and without confrontation. 

I don't really want to think about any of these things. I don't enjoy being stressed out and worried about things that I cannot personally control. On the other hand I cannot just ignore what I do see. I notice causes and effect. I notice trending attitudes. I notice the things people do and I pay attention to why and I put the pieces together. 

We live in a selfish world where we tell everyone they should be happy and be themselves.The bad part is that most people do just that. They do what they think they want to do without ever considering or caring how it might effect other people. Of course they will insist that they are not like this and they'll likely believe it. If they don't come to that realization on their own they view it as an attack on their character to point it out. I've been guilty of this as well but the thing is that I realize it and actively try to fight it.

I see a car in my rear view mirror and they're obviously going faster than me I get out of the passing lane and let them by. If it's reasonable for me to hold a door for somebody I will. If I see a line of cars going past I won't pull out in front of them to drive 200 meters then stop the whole line while I turn again... I'll wait. I'm constantly considering how my actions might effect others only to see that my actions go completely unnoticed because the recipients of any courtesy are "entitled."

As I look outside now I can see that we're fully in the grip of Autumn. This used to be my favorite season. I would look forward to it all year. In fact, this became my anniversary month because we both loved it. I used to like going outside and smelling and seeing the leaves. Now it all just appears to me as a cold and ominous warning that winter is approaching again and to be honest I'm afraid. Not because winter brings anything other than cold but for me winter now is just an all encompassing reminder of my own loneliness and solitude. Winter will now remind me of what was once in my life and is gone.