Why would anybody want to hear anything that I have to say?
Fair question and the only way to determine the worth of anything I write is to read it and think about it. This is who I happen to be and what I know, think, want, and my reality as I see it. Some will find it incredibly depressing and others might find it somehow inspiring. For me it is a method of therapy. I'm going to explore my thoughts here and you decide if they're interesting enough to read.
I plan to continue writing in this blog on a regular basis. I'll write about my life and my thoughts, I'll write about my depression and my happy moments. I'll write about whatever feels worth talking about. This is something that we don't often see from a male perspective and I'm curious and maybe a bit optimistic.
Here is the background and the base from where I'll try let you into my own mind to explore with me.
It's been 10 months now since my wife walked out and left me. I remember the pain back then and how terrifying as it was, I still thought there was hope at this point as well. I thought she might still change her mind and come back. I had never felt pain like this in my life. Not physical pain mind you but instead a constantly aching hole in my psyche.
My own depression blinded me to the symptoms of a failing marriage and additionally a depressed wife who never told me the full truth of how she felt through the last year or two of our marriage hurt more than anything. She simply closed down and didn't talk at all because she finds confrontation absolutely impossible. Was I that confrontational? I don't think that I was but I might have been. I think she was too sensitive as well and where we would discuss a subject of interest to me I get very into it and excited. I like to explain but my trying to inform her about something was usually met by being told that I'm lecturing. By the end it didn't matter what I tried to convince her of, it was all considered "bullying" on her part. No discussion, no possibilities, no concern at all for anything but herself.
I've actually never felt more betrayed in my life. We both swore to love and protect each other through better or for worse and when things got worse she went into full selfish mode. I asked to talk it over. I asked to work it out. I asked to seek help and she said no. She knew how best to fix it despite the fact that she couldn't even tell me why she felt our marriage needed to be over.
When the a major problem arose she left the house, got an apartment and start living on her own while trying to decide what to do about your relationship that you are hiding from. All this time does she expect grow fonder? She really thought that could possibly happen while she sat there talking herself into leaving permanently.
Through the loss of all of my grandparents as well as friends and acquaintances who have gone in an untimely manner I have always recovered. Sure I cried at the loss of every one but in the end I was fine. All of them hurt and all of them cause a scar but her leaving caused a new kind of pain. This was as is an actual part of me which is necessary for proper functioning of my brain had been torn away. I feel like my mind has been in hyperdrive since the minute she left. The topic of my thought tends to fail to stray far from my wayward bride. I say wayward bride because this loss was not death thank god. At the same time it almost feels the same to me. She's gone, she says she wants to be my friend and that she values talking to me but her actions show nothing of this.
I want nothing more in the world than to hope she will see that I can change too. I want her to see that I'm capable of fixing things but she doesn't care. I became no longer her husband and friend but an object that somehow was standing in the way of the happiness she wasn't able to find. There must be something out there that is better than this I imagine her thinking.
Now she seems to be getting along fine. She started helping out with coaching a sport and she is taking part in one herself and she goes to see friends now and then. These things make her happy and she sees that she's feeling better. What she doesn't see is that it was her who time and again failed to choose to do things things that made her happy while we were married. She just sat around and watched television and expected me to entertain her every waking moment at home. If I failed to do this it was my fault. She could have coached, she could have taken up any hobby she wanted but that's what she married me for apparently. The activity planner rather than the husband and then I got fired.
I used to regularly ask her where she wanted to go or where she wanted to eat or what she wanted to do and I got the one answer that was her answer for EVERYTHING. "I don't know" is something I've heard so many billions of times it makes my head spin. Clearly she did know or at least had a preference because I'm the type of guy who doesn't give a shit. If you want to go out tell me where and I'll take you. At the same time I am not a guy who likes going out. I am a solitary person so I don't sit and think of great places to "go out" to in my free time. I think about playing my guitar or drums, going to the gym and playing xbox. I enjoy researching things and reading. I enjoy learning everything that I possibly can.
It turns out that this wasn't good enough for her. I wasn't good enough for her. I feel like she just married me so she wouldn't be lonely and then when that didn't help she just walked away from it like dumping an unwanted puppy on the side of the road. In her eyes marriage wasn't a thing more than a promise to ride it out until she got bored.
Everybody is a good person in their own head even when the actions they take are shitty. She saw no problem with it. She hoped that in the end I would be alright but if not it wasn't her problem anymore in her eyes. Everything I tried to do to get her to talk to me and try to work on it was met with spite and venom. She called me a bully and said that my begging to see somebody or try something else was me trying to force something upon her. There became no such thing as discussion but only me trying to force her thoughts where I allegedly wanted them.
Obviously you may think this is only one side of the story. Of course it is. I know I don't see everything clearly all of the time. I misinterpret clues just the same as anybody. At the same time I was never violent in any way. I was never physically threatening or abusive in any way. I never put her down or called her names. I never tried to control anything that she did in any way.
I honestly tried to treat my wife exactly how I wanted to be treated myself. That is what my parents taught me. She was my partner. She was my equal in many ways. In many ways she was better than me. In many ways she was weaker than me and in others she was stronger. We all have our problems but I loved her with every part of my being. I would have given my life for her without hesitation. In fact, I still would. I feel like after how I have been treated I should not feel that way but I cannot help it. I will always love her.
My wife or soon to be ex-wife seems to be doing alright. I hope that she is doing well. I really never would want to see anything bad happen to her. Despite what I have gone through I do not hold her to blame any more than myself. I know she has gone through something similar to all of my feelings because we are very much alike. We both have major depression issues. She has known this for years. I have only very recently realized that I have them as well.
I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for a long time and I never realized how bad it would get at times.
When I first met my wife she was very much a female version of myself. Sarcastic with a dark sense of humor and quick witted. She didn't know what political correctness was and nothing was sacred. We laughed and joked and saw amusement in everything. We very quickly fell in love and for me she stole my heart and put it in her pocket. From the first date with her I knew she was "the one." I knew within minutes that there was nobody else in the world like her. I wish I hadn't been so correct.
This is significant for me because until I met her I was sure that there was no "the one." Finding somebody who filled this space within me was no easy task. I have not been a historically easy person to get along with at all times. It's difficult to explain but you'll eventually understand.
By the time my wife walked out of the house and basically ended our marriage after only four years, many things had changed but I noticed only a few of them before it all came crashing down.
This is the part the absolutely devastates me. I honestly feel like I saw these negative feelings escalating in my wife for a long time leading up to her leaving. I always tried to inquire as to what might be wrong but if lucky was met with the response of something very basic such as "I don't want to get a divorce." I would always sadly think that I don't want a divorce either but please tell me what to do for you to improve things. I asked this question out loud as well and got no answer. Only an "I don't know."
She couldn't give me that answer because we were both suffering from deep depression at the same time. Hers was causing strain on me and mine causing strain on her and it slowly tore our marriage apart. Here I think it's important that I take some significant blame for a part of this as well.
She tried to get me to go with her to see a "therapist" and I wasn't happy about that at all. I didn't yell or threaten but I showed obvious signs of disgust and didn't talk to her on the trip there. Once we got there things improved significantly but she only would ever remember the car ride over. She will still forcefully tell that story as if it was instead a story of me beating her black and blue or something. I know it wasn't right. It was downright childish and inexcusable of me but I wasn't really me. I say this knowing that it was me, it's my responsibility even if my mind isn't exactly 100% cooperative.
I would like to give a little background on this to help make it more understandable. To make a short story long, I have great difficulty in trusting people. I cannot tell you where this comes from. If I have some memory which is so bad that it might cause this then it's well suppressed because it doesn't make a shit-bit of sense to me. As far as I can tell I have always been very leary of other people. I have never been a person to quickly trust anybody. The majority of society I tend to prefer to keep at a distance.
This is something I would specifically attribute to two things. I am a very introverted person. I always have been such. I do not want to be the center of attention. I do not want to stand out or for others to notice me for anything be it good or bad. If nobody knows I'm here I am perfectly alright with that. The question I tend to ask myself is "are you actually alright with that or has this sprung up as a defense mechanism to shield myself from the loneliness in life when you've you've lived for 35 years being unable to relate to other people?" I would love to be able to walk up to a random person and speak to them for no real reason and have any idea in my head as to what I might say. I will draw a complete blank. This frustrates me greatly and my own disappointment in myself shows in body language and facial expressions whether I realize it or not. Now I just look like a jerk when I would have loved to be friendly just because.
I feel like it really would make me happy if people wanted to be around me. I feel like I have never really had anybody who really, truly wanted to hear what I had to say. Sure at times people do. Other times people simply pretend to care when they don't care at all. My parents are great people and they have tried so very hard. I respect them more than I could ever tell them with words. I would also give my life for theirs just as readily as I know they would for me. The thing is that they're simply better people than I am. I'm talking about other people who aren't my family. I've had decades (literally) to get used to my family and I still felt I couldn't tell them things. They never gave me reason to. Sure I got my ass spanked when I was a kid but I haven't any question I deserved it. I also don't have any question that there wasn't another type of punishment that was going to work to deter me. I wasn't a little psycho who was lighting neighborhood dogs on fire but I was constantly getting into mischief. Not mischief like gang warfare you see now. Like shooting bottle rockets at others or throwing rotten meat from the dumpster behind the grocery store all through the neighbor's yard so all the stray dogs would congregate and piss that neighbor off. That sort of nonsense. Nobody was intended to get hurt but it still wasn't acceptable. At the same time, kids will be kids. As long as we learn our lessons from our failures then we continue to move forward. My parents taught me those lessons as best it was possible for me to be taught. They did an amazing job in my mind and they deserve more than a meddle for not throwing me out on my ass in my crabby and moody teens. Now I'm straying too far from the topic so allow me to step back.
There have been periods in my life where circumstances have thrown me in with groups of others and I've generally managed to get along quite well. From an outside perspective it would seem like there have been cases where I've pretty quickly made friends with another husband or something after a short time speaking. To the person I was speaking to it may seem that way as well. Inside my head I often wonder. Did he or she really like me? Were they really interested in what I had to say or were they just being polite? Even when others seem to be able to tell and when I can read in most cases what another human happens to be thinking about somebody or something that isn't myself. I will know that "Mary" doesn't like "Jim." I can tell that "Jim" doesn't realize how "Mary" actually feels about him. Jim thinks Mary is beautiful and attractive and that she loves his company. Mary thinks Jim is a moron and tries to avoid him. Maybe Jim is a moron. Maybe Mary should just tell Jim that she doesn't want to be his friend and they both go on their way.
We as a society put so much emphasis on being nice and being polite to others that we have pushed it to the point where you're more or less forced to like somebody that there's no good reason for you to like. Humans are very different from one to the next. We have likes and dislikes. Some are justified and some are complete wank but that shouldn't matter. In order to be "free" we have to be allowed to be ourselves. Obviously we can't be allowed to be ourselves if ourselves happen to be a serial killer or something but that's not what I mean. We are constantly told what to think. It doesn't matter what the topic actually is there are two sides to it who both believe they're right and want the other to "realize it."
Those two "figurative" sides are depicted very will within the frame of our current Presidential Debacle. It doesn't matter if you're full blown Republican or militant Democrat. If you believe in any one set of beliefs that you actually think the choice being given to the American people by THEIR Government which isn't theirs anymore. It's like going into a grocery store tomorrow and no longer being able to buy the things you want as you want them. Instead of shelves stocked full of categorized edible items there are just rows of boxes. All of the boxes are the same size. Instead of a weeks worth of groceries you intended to get, these boxes contain one month worth. The boxes have labels but we've heard this happened other stores and what the labels say is not what is in the box as often as not. Now a man walks up who is smartly dressed and asks if he can help you. You politely ask him what is going on and he replies that this is for convenience purposes. There were simply too many people milling about so this helps them get in and out faster. It certainly does but how do I know I'm getting what I want in my box? The man tells you that the label tells you what is in the box, there are two or three "different" types of boxes to choose from. What if I don't like some of the items in the box? Can I substitute items that I do want in place of the ones I don't? No you cannot. Can I speak with the manager? I am the manager he says. Then he notices you still don't seem to be content with this answer but aren't sure what to say. Uninterested in spending any more time in guiding you to the realization that he's about to bring you to. Sir (or Ma'am) if you prefer to not buy groceries here anymore you may go elsewhere he tells you while no longer looking nearly as friendly as he first did. His facial expression implies that he is aware and is hinting to you that you really have no other option. If this happened as I just described it's easy to notice. This would be a very acute and drastic change in a short amount of time. It would be very hard not to notice that. Now look at this same sort of change from grocery store in America in 2016 to the store that I described to you with three choices and three choices only. If you're roughly average with American history then you will know what I mean when I say compare the original and new United States to where we are today with our current government. Once the government was by the people, of the people, and for the people. Now the government is by the people because we keep allowing it to happen. The government is over the people and above the people and beyond the people. They tell us that they're intent on something and then they do whatever they want for their purposes in any manner they can (legal or illegal) and just hope they can get away with it. If we pay attention to history we see it time and time again. Our government that is supposed to represent us are simply elite con-men and con-women who are making a living for themselves and cementing it for their families on the backs of the American people. They're doing it absolutely without regard to the potential outcome.
Where the hell is he going with this you might be wondering. That's just an example on a slightly larger scale. I could go bigger with that if you like or I could go smaller. For the sake of time I'll go smaller and say now look. How about on a city level or a town level or even on a corporate level. There is always a hierarchy made up of people with many common characteristics not unlike those of the proverbial used car salesman. These people tend to wiggle their way into power and influence as many people as they can in any way they can perceive accomplishing that goal.
You can't build on what is allegedly your own property without asking a committee of people who you may not know and don't know you. Really it is not their business whatsoever but they have managed to become the ones who decide whether you will or will not do something so simple as erect a storage shed or a garage on property you "own." Parents get to teach their kids whatever they want and whenever they're willing and able. Teachers who are forced to follow a very specific, state enforced curriculum decided again by... who?
Where I am going with this is that I have learned as a result of being unable to communicate with the world that the rest of humanity is further developing and enhancing some incredibly frightening social habits and ideals that are both culturally as well as potentially physically fatal. There are dozens of things here that I will certainly write about in the future but not here. What I am saying in simple terms is that I believe that I started out being naturally a cautious person. I didn't really trust anybody and I never knew why. My father instilled in me that lying was not acceptable. It didn't matter what reason you were lying it was still bad. My family has always been very honest and if somebody was thinking it they were going to say it. It's refreshing feel like once in a while you can speak with somebody who will tell you the truth about anything. What I have learned is that there are so very few people who are capable of being that type of person.
The world makes it impossible for anybody to really and truly just be who they are. It's true that we can't simply just let everybody do whatever they want or terrible things will quickly spoil the fun. People are different and unpredictable and sometimes very good and sometimes very bad. I love the very good people. I also have an intense sense of justice. I believe that you can generally classify all people into three categories. These categories are from a book a read a couple years back. The book was written by a man named Lt. Col Dave Grossman. Anyhow, the point that I am making is this. I'm not saying that everything is just this simple exactly but bare with me. There are Sheep, Wolves, and Sheep Dogs. Sheep are peaceful, passive, and an easy lunch for hungry wolves. Wolves exist just like every other creature. The sheep cannot do anything about the wolves. They can't chase the wolves away or fight against them in any meaningful way. The sheep simply are not capable of protecting themselves. They stay together and if danger comes the sheep run and take a loss or two from their numbers. The sheep will multiply and the wolves will multiply. Some of both groups will die and the constant will be that the wolves die of age, accident or other and many sheep die by wolves. In comes the sheep dog. Generally these are types who flock toward military careers or law enforcement, fire fighters or paramedic careers. What the INTENT of most of these people who go into these sorts of things is to help their fellow man. They intend fully to be a positive influence on society. Some people go into these careers to exploit it. They do things that those who they hold power over and they should be responsible to would not approve of. They do this without conscience or concern for who it may effect or how as long as they gain. These people are wolves and they're everywhere. The problem is that these wolves aren't recognizable unless their costume happens to be a bit "off." You may never find out until you get bitten by one. Sheep Dogs may be specifically trained to do various activities in the name of defending the sheep but as their name says that is what they do. In the case of the actual dog and in the case of people, I tend to believe that it's largely natural for many people. The wolves don't always want to kill you they only want to take advantage in some cases. They want something that they will happily take from you and if you don't stop them who will?
We can look on a world level or by country or by state or by town but there will be wolves manipulating and sheepdogs trying to convince the sheep not to listen. The wolves are very smooth talkers and some things in the story are off but the sheep want to give him the benefit of the doubt because the idea sounds wonderful. The problem is that in modern society the sheep are running the show. Once the sheepdogs were given the power to necessary to do what they were put here for. They were allowed to protect the sheep by the means the dog saw fit. Now instead of the dog attacking the wolves and sometimes having to kill a wolf or die trying, the sheep insist at gun-point that there is no danger from the wolves so we need not worry. When the dogs don't listen they are quickly villified. In the modern world the sheep dogs are viewed as a problem because the sheep refuse to admit that the wolf who was biting Larry (which is what I imagine this sheep to be named) was actually not just being playful despite all the blood. The wolf wasn't going to be talked off of Larry. The loud and angry barks of the sheepdog will not likely deter the wolf of obtaining a meal by itself. The wolf knows what it needs and sees how to get it and if this dog wants to try to get in the way I'm willing to fight and see how it goes. If the dog sits back the sheep die but if the dog steps forward he is blamed for everything.
What does all this really have to do with anything?
This is why I don't trust people. I want to trust people very badly. I want to have people that I know would be there for me and not just because they're family. At the same time people scare me. Not as in I'm afraid to go outside for fear of being attacked... though that's not exactly an illegitimate fear these days. I'm more than capable of protecting myself from physical violence. What very few are capable of protecting themselves (alone) against the things that people do to each other like clockwork.
We're now expected to tolerate everybody and everything BECAUSE of something. The world has gotten to the point where we are like Germany leading up to Nazi takeover. Some people can't be honest. Some people can't quite remember enough to give the whole truth. Some people are actively hiding something. Everybody can use somebody else for anything they want without any deterrent if the "buyer is willing." I see them doing it all over the place and I take it all in quietly. I can name dozens of people who basically just expect that not only will you do but you cannot wait to do whatever it might happen to be that they need. They already know what is needed and no input is required. If you give input it will be ignored or met with scorn. When you do not add input for this reason they will turn on you and want to know why you didn't catch their mistake? Most of them will never realize or never admit that they did it because they're just generally shitty people. They have a plan and you're either going to be useful in their achieving it or it will anger them so much they will ensure that you pay for it somehow. You may never know they're doing it but while smiling in person they are doing everything they can think of to cause you difficult and in some cases more than that. They are constantly thinking about everything and they find this hard to put out of their minds. These are very driven people and finding ways to get higher on the business or social ladder is the primary purpose of these wolves.
This happens in homes and it happens in office environments and it's a human issue. How the hell is it possible who for somebody who views the world this way to ever really be happy? You'll recall I said I read a lot and I meant that. I know a little something about a large number of things. I don't know everything and I never will, I know that. The meaning of life is not hard. We as humans are given a finite amount of time to learn as much as we can about everything that is possible. We aren't told this in an owners manual. This gets difficult so I'll try not to screw it up.
There is in my opinion not much that is more important than my simple survival and continued existence. I value that more than almost all things. Most people do who are allowed to form their own feelings on the matter. Obviously we can see from happenings around the world that free will can be overridden by any number of methods.
Students have been taught what people who often deem themselves to be the worthy, deciders of what exactly should be taught to children in schools. The bad part about that is that those who seek most vehemently these positions of influence often turn out to have done so in sometimes purposeful and sometimes subconscious attempts to find grandiose methods for helping to instill their own personal values in others who may not be readily agreeable. Some of them go into teaching and end up as professors. Some of them throw respectable morals and ideals into their teachings and some will push less than ethical to completely despicable ideals upon impressionable and trusting minds.
I am a continuous history student. My passion for knowing all things historical leads to a lust for knowledge that is nearly impossible for me to quench.
In my constant need to know more about what is happening now and what has happened in the past I have also over the years developed a habit of watching human actions, events, consequences, public reaction, etc. I don't tend to stop there though. I tend to follow how trending attitudes set the Zeitgeist in various places worldwide. I watch and study the outcomes. Many people will happily exclaim "if you don't know history you're doomed to repeat it" but it never concerns them or even occurs to them that their knowledge of history might have been given to them biased to begin with. It never concerns them that human factors caused these occurrences. Some might be good and some might be bad but the more we find out from the most diverse sources, the more that the lens of overall understanding becomes more clear. Is it ever possible for a human to gain full understanding of what we would currently consider to be infinite unknown possibilities? I tend to feel like it would be quite difficult and random if that were possible.
I tend to refer to this as my Jesus coming back theory. There's belief that he once returned and will return to mankind again at some point. That's great if you believe he will and if you believe he won't it doesn't matter to me. I'm concerned about why you believe that. If you can't give me a reason that I consider logical for why you believe that I have trouble trusting you. Maybe he will come back. Some people would believe him and some people wouldn't. Some who were waiting for his return will still not believe him. Some who weren't waiting will join at his side. Or he'll largely be assumed to be a homeless "lunatic." It might not be Jesus at all but an actual homeless lunatic. Honestly how the fuck are we supposed to know and trust anything when humans are involved?
No matter how wrong they are many will never know it. Most won't say anything to the first because they don't like controversy and the first will go on doing it until the inevitable problem. We don't like to be wrong as humans. No matter how much ANYBODY insists that they don't really care about the outcome of a debate or they don't care what the issues are they are lying and may not even realize it. In a lot of cases they care so much that they try to avoid seeing it. They avoid thinking about it and they try to convince themselves there aren't any wolves. Everybody would care if they actually know what the issue is. We as humans can't be given a question and not attempt to solve it. The problem is that we have allowed the restaurant to begin picking us and you and I getting stuck with whatever meal they decide is best for us. How does one not care about such things? Those who say "I don't get into politics" always interest me because I want to ask them if they are into people? Want to find out exactly who a person is pretty quickly? Talk politics with them for a bit. If you actually pay attention not just to the words but the ideas they have then they reveal their own personality. They also do that to a great deal by simply saying "I don't follow politics."
So you're telling me that it doesn't concern you that you might be voting for somebody who has all sorts of plans as to how we should all live and yet you don't think knowing those plans might be important? It's worse if you're telling me that you are fine with letting others decide who is going to tell us all how to live and aren't concerned how that may turn out? Maybe you do care but don't think you make a difference? What about all of those others who think the same thing. If they stood for what was right then things would get fixed. I see the world as full of problematic people, good people, people who actually don't care because they don't understand, and people who say they don't care because they're too lazy to understand.
In the end I think it comes down to the fact that I'm so regularly disappointed by so many people both directly and indirectly that once in a while I hit the anger stage of grieving for mankind. I would just love to scream at people from time to time but I know that as often as not they would reply with just as much fervor no matter how many people told them they were wrong. You can't teach some people and others don't want to learn. Now I'm sitting here watching the social rot take hold as Europe and the United States spiral downhill because of failed social experimentation that they still think is working. All of these things and people tell me that I should think about things that I enjoy and make me happy.
I have no control over the matter. I could be completely wrong and it's a terrible thing to say. Honestly though my first thought is "are you an idiot?" I cannot just put these things out of my mind because I see the symptoms in the people causing the issues that nobody wants to face. I've lost hope in mankind pulling itself out of the gutter before it's too late.
I have for my entire life sat back and watched the world from a distance. Sometimes longing to be an accepted part of that world I saw and the lives I watched going on around me. Other times I was happy to be out of the way and allegedly unnoticed. No matter which it happened to be it was isolation none the less. My reason for isolation started out as a prison that I was confined to inside my own head. My isolation still is a prison that I am confined to inside my own head. The problem is that it has been fed by years of vigilant watching and trying to learn from the sidelines how to be part of this. I can never quite remain sure that I do in fact want to be part of it. I've lost confidence that the world contains more good than bad.
Now I had little confidence in the world before I was married and while I was married and not surprisingly (in my opinion) my confidence in mankind continues to drop steadily. That doesn't help depression. It's also there and I can see it so how am I expected to just ignore it?
During my marriage I became so focused on so many things that I lost sight of a great number of things as well. I went the entire marriage believing with all my heart that my wife was actually 100% honest with me. I trusted her completely in all manners. I believed if she had a problem she would tell me, if she had an issue she would discuss it. She did this when we first met. At some point occasional lies or half-truths took the place of the real feelings and then some more and some more. I helped cause her to do this with my own depression and me being unhappy made her more unhappy. Eventually it became so pervasive that I believe she largely considered me to be to blame for her unhappiness.
In the end she would hear me but never listen. She would scream at me and tell me I was yelling when I was calm. Everything that I did was wrong and everything bad seemed to be my fault. Then on top of this I know she is seeing a therapist and I have no idea how that's going. I basically thought it had mainly to do with her depression. We've established that I have trouble trusting people. I could see my wife changing and she wouldn't tell me why. I could see that things were getting worse but she wouldn't tell me why.
Was I really so "scary" or intimidating when I'm simply stressed out or sad? I'm a fairly muscular person but I would never present a physical threat to anybody who wasn't doing the same first. What reaction did she think I would have if she told me that things were getting worse and we needed to see a marriage counselor? When faced with "we have to do this because... I am quite logical and I would have gone.
Instead I was left alone with only my guesses as to what exactly had happened. She refused to talk to me and emails were short. I had only myself to work with to figure out how I lost somebody that I still love with all my heart.
Our marriage was never what most people would consider to be "bad." We were never the type of couple who yelled and had knock-down, drag-out fights. I have never touched her in anger and the same can be said for her. Nothing could make me angry enough to want to see harm come to her.
In many ways the failure of our marriage was just a very sad and in my case somewhat soul-crushing failure at the hands of circumstance. Two people who are terribly flawed and looking for comfort finally find each other and the stars align. Then as smoothly as it all slid into place and revealed a peek at happiness in slid back out of place. Two flawed people who are perfect for each other are driven apart by their inability to conquer their own internal struggles.
Sitting here writing this right now after 10 months has me broken down in tears for the past half-hour yet again. Most people who saw me would immediately think "tough guy." That's another story I'll write about later. I am a pretty tough guy and I can deal with a lot before I crack but I'm also human. I still have nearly crippling fits of almost hopeless despair. I've never thought that I wanted to hurt myself or anybody else but I often find myself wondering what is the point? Why is it that everybody considers to be such an assault on society for another to not view life as they do?
For some people life is just a lot of hard work. Is it so hard for others to consider that I might not have a specific purpose? Is it not possible that we individuals are just another insignificant item in a world full of items? I don't necessarily believe this but I don't write if off as impossible either. It's just an equal possibility to the others.
I actually wonder why other people are so sure there's a purpose to our individual lives or that each life is something sacred and wonderful that must be preserved? Maybe it is but realistically speaking there are many precious lives that we would have been historically better off without.
Sure there are plenty of times life is good and plenty of times life is bad. We always have control over some things and no control over others. At any time we could be struck by incredibly good fortune or crushing loss and we all have to deal with it... except people who choose not to.
Before you run to call somebody I am not saying I don't want to be here. I do want to be here. I don't need to know why I'm here nor do I need a great and noble purpose. I've seen good in life and I want to see more because I sure as hell don't know what comes after this. With my luck... it's probably just as unpleasant overall.
If you just stop and look around they say there is so much beauty to be found. I often do find myself noticing pretty scenery or something that I visually take some pleasure in now and then. I love music and listen to it and analyze it and even play some of my own. I love animals. I have cats who are not "pets" they are my friends. Obviously I know they are not human but they are intelligent creatures who are aware and capable beyond what most people will ever realize. If it came to feeding myself or my cats they would get fed first. I used to love a lot of things but now it's hard to find those things.
The thing is that for many this seems like occurrences like this provide some enrichment to their lives. Somehow a nice walk in the forest after a long day of work makes them feel energized or enlightened or simply as if "all is well." For other people it might be going out to the pub on a Friday or Saturday and for some people more nights than that. These people might insist that this also somehow enriches their lives. The thing that I can't help but wonder is are they really happy or do they just think they are? Are they happy despite the types of things I talked about or are they happy because they don't know?
I don't believe ignorance should ever be justified. Just because you personally do not know something does not excuse it. The problem with the world now is we excuse everything. Everybody is special and nothing is bad! Everything has a simple solution so go with it or be publicly ostracized!
Would I trade the knowledge I have gained for peace of mind and happiness? I believe the knowledge I have gained is for a purpose. It may be a lesser good or even a greater good. I just know that I wouldn't choose ignorance over the truth ever.
I really do not know if I believe that these things really enrich some people's lives or not. Maybe these people do feel like their existence is somehow improved by such experiences. I tend to lean toward that my opinion is that most people tell themselves these things to numb the pain of tedium. "Oh that's pretty, I feel so much better" when they really don't. Am I onto some sort of major theory here that might have to do with humans trying to program ourselves to be happy? Am I simply wired wrong and I don't understand feelings the same way that others do.
I don't think I am wired wrong at all. I think it's human nature to want to be happy and life just isn't a happy thing overall. Life is bitter and uncaring, life is the mere opportunity to exist. We as humans have better capability to manipulate life than other creatures which allows most humans the luxury of elevating our own lives above the existence level to something additional. What specifically happens is dependent on that individual. Sadly we often mistake our capabilities for invulnerability.
Are we really somehow special in this universe?
Our lives divinely blessed?
I tend to lean toward thinking this is not the case.
Much of this is currently here nor there at the moment so I'll progress forward.
One of our biggest driving factors as humans is maintaining our existence. The problem lies in the fact that we as humans also have a number of other quirks that make ourselves more difficult to deal with. One of these quirks is that we all think about the same sorts of things in life because we're all basically similar.
I don't believe that everybody is capable of the same things though. We're not all equal by the definition of the word. One of us may understand physics while another understands how to tear apart an engine and put it back together working. One of us might be able to run a world record time while another trips over themselves walking. We all have very different skills and capabilities. To put it simply there are some of humans who have great potential and reach it while there are others who have it but never use it. There are also people who manage to succeed despite not stacking high on the intelligence scale and vice-versa.
In a modern world most of us are actually forced to place the act of obtaining currency at the top of our list of things that we need to exist. With currency one's existence becomes physically easier and without it the opposite occurs. A physically difficult existence will generally kill a human faster than a mentally difficult one.
I don't believe that humans are a creature that evolved to suit the modern lifestyle of being constantly busy, most of people in this country work fairly long hours. Many people envision a family and working long hours while trying to live a fulfilling life.
What is a fulfilling life for you?
For me to be completely fulfilled in life I can promise you that I wouldn't sit in a office behind a computer on set hours every day while stressing about my family, paying bills, all the other humans around you, fitting in hobbies you enjoy, fitting in family time, etc. etc.
I've been depressed for a very long time and quite deeply depressed as of late, to the point where I become no longer even myself. I began to warp my own vision of the world in order to protect myself from the stresses that it caused. I did this but I also protected myself from ever realizing the real reasons I was so depressed.
When humans don't understand something they come up with ideas in their head as to what is the cause based upon what they know. Some of them know a great deal before even trying. Others are content with the first plausible explanation that pops up. Again this I feel is human nature and something hard to change about an individual because of its depth. We are as individuals, only capable of obtaining, understanding, and employing information or skills to a certain point. If you take a number of people and begin instructing them on an increasingly more difficult series of mental and physical challenges we will be losing candidates all along the way. From the ones lost on the more difficult mental challenges they may continue to excel in the physical or even fail at both. These results can obviously go in any number of possible combinations. Can we ever really have a way to find what our maximum individual capability is? No two people are exactly alike. This isn't necessarily a good thing either.
If we don't understand and can't explain things they tend to bother or even frighten us. If we want to be happy we need to remedy that. I think more people than not trick themselves into believing they've found happiness without even realizing it and all in attempt to avoid disappointment. One might venture to say that this can be seen and is exacerbating a rapid decline in social niceties.
Myself I cannot help but wonder what the hell actually constitutes happiness? Maybe I am happy or was happy at some point but I don't feel like I'm happy. I look around at the world and I can't be happy with what I see. When I feel happy am I actually or have I simply made a determination that Mood A (in myself) logically sounds to me to be roughly equivalent of what the average populous (per my own thinking and based upon societal Zeitgeist) might be feeling when they claim that they are Happy, or Ecstatic, or even things like Annoyed or Enraged. It seems like a stupid possibility and yet possible none the less.
These are things that I've always felt that I had a pretty good handle on. I'm not the type of person to get into fights. I'm not the type of person who honestly likes to be in confrontations. I hate it actually. My wife never understood that because I didn't show that. It's almost like in a way I was trying to be somebody I wasn't while having nobody in particular in mind to be. Whoever it was it wasn't me but at the same time I failed to notice that I wasn't myself.
Without going into great detail on that at this particular moment I feel that it's more productive first to break that down further. The point I am likely failing to make is that I am not a spontaneous, confrontational, Type A personality that I have somehow fooled myself into acting the part of.
I believe this was largely related to my work. I found it soul-crushingly unrewarding, uninteresting, and mentally exhaustive. I have done nothing but work with people for years now. Every day it was different people. All these people who It caused me to hate driving anywhere for any reason and at all times.
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Though I tend to write it like it's a book we can all see what it actually is. I'm interested in your thoughts and if you're interested in mine remember the link because I'll be writing more very soon
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