I've learned in this time that I spent too much much time on activities that in the end are not meaningless but simply aren't as important as your marriage.
I spent hours every day exercising. When she wanted to go someplace on a Saturday I would often get up late, tired, and have to go to workout first. Often times it actually just got too late to go and we didn't at all or had to cut the trip short.
Why did I feel that I had to do this? I can't pin it on anything in particular, instead there were probably many roots.
I have always been in athletics since I was a child. There were things like skiing and dirtbikes when I was as young as five. From the time I was roughly seven or eight I was in a some manner of sport whether I really liked it or not. I did not always like it at the time. I was sure that I did not like the feeling of being railed with a baseball but I played until in my teens. There were other sports that I liked but simply stopped playing at some point because I found that my personality didn't seem to me to fit in with most of those who played. Was that actually the case? I can specifically remember instances that I, even then felt were ingrained in the nature of the area I was from. Sports were big and important to everybody. I'm still in one of those places. At the same time I remembered that it was always parents who were coaching teams. They may not have realized it but most of the coaches actually showed what I noticed as favoritism. I am not a person who generally overestimates my skill and ability and never have been. I hide it well on the outside. I turned out to be what many would call a very athletic person. Other people got to play more than I did because of small town relationships.
I won't go into any more detail than that but things like this led me to slowly pull away from other sporting activities later on and take up new ones where I fit in better. These weren't the people that were generally considered "jocks." Sure we were athletes and some in very good physical condition but it's not usually a sport many concern themselves with. If they do they are asking why you do it.
Now I honestly went into the sport simply because I found after a trial competition of sorts that I was good at it. It just happened to feel like a safer environment for me. Was it really any different an environment? It helped that in this sport who wins on that day is best for the moment but there are many more. This was a high stress sport the whole time and I remained very good for a few years but I burned out. I simply couldn't deal with it anymore because it became all encompassing. I had to do it on holidays and in varying weather conditions. I liked it until I began to hate it.
I never lost the need for activity though and without it I feel like garbage. The problem is that now even with it I sort of feel like garbage. What did I learn from all of that? I was doing something that I still enjoyed and have always done. At the same time I was neglecting to realize where it was infringing on my relationship with my wife.
She would have never asked me to stop or to not do it because she is the same way. She knows how the same thing effects her. But in trying to let me have my freedom and not "nag" me about things she just kept it bottled up. Once in a while I would get glimpses of sadness but when I pressed I usually got the response that she didn't know. She did know though. I didn't put enough of the pieces together at that point to realize it.
I wasn't able to put all the pieces together because I'm simply so tense all of the time the stress is impressive. The stress may very well be excessive for circumstances but looking around at society I am beginning to see a lot of symptoms showing in others as well.
I had other bad habits as well and we'll talk about them later and no they weren't illegal or immoral just self destructive. That's for later. Right now I want to talk about others and things that cause stress. Do you get stressed if somebody pulls into the passing lane in front of you on the highway and then takes forty miles to actually get past? Do you get stressed if somebody takes a parking spot that you were quite obviously waiting for? When they cut you off in traffic? When they cut in line in front of you? When they don't wipe their sweat off gym equipment?
There are so many things that so many people do without ever once registering the possibility that they're being an asshole. You drive up behind them in the passing lane. They have clear room to move over and let you pass and as you get irritated as they've now had more than one chance to do this. They clearly do not care that they're holding back a line of 40 cars who want to go faster than them. They have appointed themselves the personal speed marshal of that highway. They will be thinking something such as why is this asshole tailgating me? While doing this they don't consider that they were barely paying any attention because they were texting, talking, or reading a phone for the past five miles. They just see that you're pissed off and closer than they would like and that's because you're a jerk!
You know, maybe I am a jerk. I look at most adults now in the same respect that I do children. The majority of people in American society are either shitbags, jaded (through learning and observation), or naive. The part that I find so difficult is rather multi-dimensional. Why should I as an adult who was taught to be respectful, be asked to tolerate the actions of somebody who is not. I believe as humans we should always be cautious but respectful of others when possible. Be honest and bring no ill will upon others in offense. At the same time I believe that when was is attacked by a hostile foe whether it be verbally or physically, it for the majority of humans, our natural instinct to fight back.
What causes this to be such a problem is what triggers this in what people and why. Some people are "triggered" by things that are not disrespectful at all by normal standards. Standards are being shifted though. Now we're supposed to accept being offended by more things. Now people want to be recognized as genders that scientifically do not exist or they want to implement a system of government that has proven doesn't work. People want to be paid 15 dollars an hour at minimum wage jobs and yet have no idea how this effects the economy.
Now we are a society of "that sounds nice so let's do it." We don't first think about whether it's possible or reasonable or even ethical half the time we just fucking dive in. "It is what I want and being me makes me the most important person in this room!" Those with the most money get to do it on government scale. Look at our current politicians. They don't want the people to truly get power over their own government back. They want to use it to make themselves wealthier and more untouchable. Nothing our politicians do is for the overall good of the people. It's for the overall good of whoever contributed the most to their campaign as well as themselves. Then they get their friends and supporters into other spots and they lie, cheat, and steal from us then lie some more.
Keeping the races divided at at each others throats. Creating a serious religious issue. Failing to fight crime which we label as racism whenever possible. We argue and fight among ourselves and vote for one of the two laughable "choices" they've given us then we're surprised when nothing changes. We keep voting to put those drivers in the passing lane and then wonder why we get fucked.
We have become too incompetent to make reasonable determinations on simple matters. Nobody wants to be the guy who punches the other guy who slammed into him on the sidewalk because they're the one who gets arrested. Yet the guy who slammed into you said "fuck you" when you said excuse me and walks off. He'll do it again because it's how he is. Had you beat the living hell out of him that guy would understand. Explaining what happened will not cause understanding. Explaining will cause him to be bored with you and go on being an asshole. Yet we have so much trouble as a society figuring out what is ACTUALLY discrimination and what can actually be proven in historical statistics. Nobody knows them or cares to hear them because they aren't nice so we'll ignore it. Then we'll continue to be surprised as things get worse.
You should always treat others with respect until they don't return that respect. You shouldn't have to be told these things as adults. The thing is that there are so many adults who clearly need to be told these things often because they just don't get it. Look around and really pay attention and you'll see society rotting. We as a world have gotten to the point where we completely ignore historical lessons and cultural tendencies and any other thing that might make somebody feel sad. Our allowing this to not only occur but to continue is going to be the end of us as a first world country. We're speeding up the process as fast as possible.
It doesn't matter where you go you will find many people who simply couldn't care less if you were struck by a car. They would simply take their phone out and take a video. The moral dilemma that I'm faced with at this point is simple. There's a really good chance that the person who just got hit by the car had head earphones in and was texting while they crossed simply expecting cars to watch for them. I could say "he/she probably learned a lesson and won't do it again" but I wouldn't believe that. Instead, I honestly tend to lean toward "he/she deserved that." The question is will they actually learn? Some people will but is it more than half or less than half? I guess far less than half will learn the proper lesson there. They'll probably learn how to litigate against the driver and win. Just like the morons who spill coffee on themselves.
We're so concerned with being morally just, fair, and all that horseshit, that we have pushed the boundaries of just and fair to the point where they're only fair to the undeserving beneficiaries because they scream the loudest and we listen.
What I'm talking about here is human nature. Human nature has not changed all of the sudden. Human nature is generally to get away with whatever they think they can reasonably get away with. Some will push the boundaries further and many will twist whatever they have to in order to get whatever it is that they want. We're seeing it all over the world and it's working flawlessly. We have had it so good for so long that "somebody else will take care of it for us." I've been guilty of that myself as well. I find gaining motivation to do a lot of things to be incredibly difficult.
I am stressed all of the time because I have studied so much that I can see happening as I type this. It's quite clear where the world is going and I am told that I need to just be happy. "Think about things that make you happy instead" they'll say. Is it really recommended that I put aside concern of that magnitude and simply hope I'm not right or that it's not happening?
I have found it impossible to do this and this contributed to strain on my marriage. Was I wrong?
I feel justified in not believing that but obviously I could be wrong.
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